Talk to Yourself Like a Stranger
Sit for five minutes each morning and talk to yourself the way you would talk to a stranger at a bar, asking the questions you would ask them, and over weeks the conversation gets deep enough to show you what you actually want.
Dandapani gives a simple starting practice for self-reflection: five minutes, a quiet room, eyes closed, and a conversation with yourself. He describes how the conversation deepens over months, and why most people get up and leave the moment they see something about themselves they do not like.
What this talk covers
- Take five minutes each morning, Monday to Friday if you want the weekends off, go to a quiet place, sit down, close your eyes and take a few deep breaths.
- If you do not know what to talk about, ask what you would ask a stranger at a bar: what's your name, how are you feeling, what do you think about the election.
- The first conversations are superficial, and by month three or four they are far more personal, the same way they would be with a person you met weekly for six months.
- Going inside means seeing things you love about yourself and things you do not, and most people cannot handle the unpleasant part, so they open their eyes, call it a waste of time and return to the to-do list.
- Accept yourself the way you accept the good and not so good in someone you love, because you cannot know what you want until you spend time with yourself.
Well, what would you talk about if you met a stranger at a bar?Dandapani
Questions
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Start with the questions you would ask a stranger you met at a bar. Ask yourself your name, how you are feeling, what you think about something in the news, and let it stay superficial at first.
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The deeper conversation usually comes after the fifth, sixth or seventh time, and by month three or four it is far more personal, the way trust builds with any other person.
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Often because something unpleasant has surfaced. People can look at what they love about themselves, and when the rest appears they decide they have a to-do list and get up.
Transcript
659 words · 3:14
So what is the tool that you suggest people use to start? Is it that focused meditation? Is it just being with themselves alone, asking questions? Yeah, I would say just, you know,
take five minutes out of the day every morning and maybe even just do it Monday to Friday and take the weekends off, you know, wake up in the morning, shower,
go to a quiet place in your home or apartment, sit down for five minutes, close your eyes. You can do a couple of breathing exercises and maybe just take a few deep breaths to relax yourself
and then start having that conversation with yourself. Same conversation than people. The next natural question is, what do I talk about? Right? Well, what would you talk about if you met a stranger at a bar? Would you just sit there and stare at them? Would you ask questions? What's your name? How are you
feeling? What do you think about the election in America? Ask yourself these questions. Have a conversation the same way you would have with a stranger with yourself. And when When you have that conversation every day, the initial conversation should be very superficial. I'm feeling today, I'm hungry, didn't like that show we watched last night.
And then after a week, we're not going to be talking about that. If we met every once a week for six months, by month three or month four, our conversation should be so much deeper. Right?
We'll be talking about much more personal stuff. And then you'd really get to know yourself. Right. And you're diving deep and just trying to find out what you really want, what motivates
you. you are, how you're treating the people you love, how you're treating yourself. Right. And that conversation doesn't happen on day one. Sometimes it does, but most of the time it doesn't. It comes after the fifth or sixth or seventh conversation. When you
feel comfortable, when you can trust the other person with more deeper personal stuff, the same way you have to trust yourself too. Once you close your eyes and go inside of you, you realize that you're going to see things that you love and things that you don't love and you have to be prepared for that.
And most people can't handle that. They can close their eyes and go in and see all the things they love about themselves. But the things that are unpleasant makes them open their eyes and go, this is absolutely useless. I could definitely use my time in much more productive ways.
And then they get up and they leave. That's the reaction when they kind of see something they don't want to engage with. Of course. Why am I sitting here? It's an absolute waste of time. I've got a to-do list.
I can go get things done. This is a waste of time. temporarily feel better or feel like you accomplished a goal or something when in fact you still don't know why you're here what your purpose is etc.
Exactly. So the same way like you get to know someone you love right you see all the good things about them and all the not so good things. This is part of the package right but you love and accept them because you love that person the same way you need to take that approach with yourself but you can't know what you
want until you spend time with yourself. And you're an expert because you did that for 10 years. And I've been doing it my whole life, even before that. As a child growing up, I spent a lot of time with myself inquiring for what I wanted and
what's my purpose in life. And I became very, very clear about it from an early age. And that's why I could leave everything behind and go pursue that.